Zia and Faith...

I can't really remember a time when I believed in God.

When I was young, I believed in Jesus Christ and the Saints, just like I believed in Santa Claus or that my mom was the most intelligent-knowledgeable-beautiful-nice-good person on Earth.... That's the kind of stuff one wants to believe as a kid... We do not ask questions, we do not wonder what is true, what's not... All we want to do is to believe...

Jesus was a good guy. When I was 6, we were told his story at school. That he had given fish and bread to people who were hungry... That he had made sure his friends' wedding party would go great, providing a little more wine the crew to serve.... And people called these "miracles". Jesus was my "friend", he was "nice".

I read the stories of saints at the library. I loved these books and would rent them over and over again... I love St.Blandine, 'cause she looked beautiful on the mosaic picture... These were the first books I read in my life, along with books on flying squirrels (polatouche...) and kittens... I was in grade 1.

But I've always been good at losing my buddies... (I still have that particular talent, could never really figure out why...) Anyway, someday I woke up and "Jesus" (to me, feels like I could call him "Elvis" just as well...) was not there, he was not a friend one could have. I definitely broke up with God when my Grandma died. It was 4 years ago.
I mean, I had already splited up with the whole catho thingy long before she died, but this was just... fatal. Like signing with blood finality... my absolute, _conscious_, withdrawal from anything catho-related...
You, Yahve/Jehovah/God pal/whatever you are.... you decided your own death when you allowed such suffering to one who trusted you with her life ! I shall always remember how you let her down for not existing....
(I'm sorry, Grandma... Love ya.)

Since then, I refuse to communiate, kneel at the church... and my mind curses during ceremonies like the devil was inside me... If I ever do act like I participate to any of the rituals, be certain I fake it (and still curse very bad in my head, clenching my fists and biting my tongue to keep it all inside...) to respect people I love....

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Woah ! seems like I lost control while introducing what I really wanted to share with you, guys... Oups... hehe ! Sorry !

So, as I said, I do not believe in God.
However, lately I found that song by Sarah McLachlan (which I brainwash with like.... 40-50 times a day, _at least_), which is actually a prayer by St.Francis.... (catho prayer, that is...)
And I love it ! I love her voice ! And I f***ing love this freaking text !!!

It feels like I've written this ! This is exactly what I think ! (and some rare times, say...) Like... My goal, my reason ! My idea of what makes an angel.... (Angels, catho stuff ? Don't worry, I'm definitely erratic with my personnal vision of what/who angels are... ) (or am I.... ?) Though I do not seek universal peace.... I'm not a messiah, for God's sake !

But yeah, this is inspiring... Well, I think. Sounds really sad, yet there's hope...
As my friend Darren Hayes... (ahum... yeah ! we do yoga together everyday ! ahum hum.... ) would say (sing...) : "I've never been the praying kind... but lately I've been down upon my knees. Not looking for a miracle, just a reason to believe." ( ... HOLD ME TONIIII-IIIIIIIGHT ! SAY IT'S ALRIIIII-IIIIIIIGHT ! .... Err.... Sorry.)

By the way, thank you Ness for reminding me Sarah McLachlan is the one to listen to when one's depressed...
Sharing my recipe with you, guys : McLachlan + dimmed light (or even... no light at all !) + amaretto + rocking chair + feet on the desk... and if you can, down hold your tears back ! Yes, you look like the end of the world.... but who cares ?!

So here are the lyrics and the song will be on my radio.blog in a minute tommorow...


Prayer of St.Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred . . . let me sow love
Where there is injury . . . pardon
Where there is doubt . . . faith
Where there is despair . . .hope
Where there is darkness . . . light
Where there is sadness . . .joy
Divine Master,
grant that i may not so much seek
To be consoled . . .as to console
To be understood . . .as to understand,
To be loved . . . as to love
For it is in giving . . .that we receive,
It is in pardoning, that we are pardoned,
It is in dying . . .that we are born to eternal life


Can't believe I spent half of the night blogging about religion.... ooooh boy... I hope it was at least a little interesting !

For now, wish you all goodnight !

Zia